Mid-Life Blues
Mid-life (for women) is.... Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department. Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!) Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no. Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally.(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin). Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water. You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
