- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 50 minutes.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- Flowers fix everything (or duct tape).
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
- Phone conversation are under 30 seconds flat.
- The garage is all yours.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- The remote is yours and yours alone.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- Three pair of shoes (dress, casual, tennis) are more than enough.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
- You are never expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
- You are visually unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- You can kill your own food.
- You can leave the motel bed unmade, and not feel guilty.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
- You don't have to clean you apartment if the meter reader is coming.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- You know useful stuff about cars, trucks, boats, tanks and airplanes.
- Your underwear costs $6.99 for a pack of 3.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
