Oil Changing Instructions for Women- Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the lastoil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee.
- 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: $20.00 for oil change + $1.00 for coffee . . . Total = $21.00
Instructions for Men
- Go to O' Reilly's auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
- Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
- Open a soda and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- In frustration, open another soda and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: getting hot oil on you in process.
- Clean up mess.
- Have another soda while watching oil drain.
- Look for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
- Soda.
- Buddy shows up; watch Braves/Mets games with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
- Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
- Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
- Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
- Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
- Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
- Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
- Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled.
- Test drive car.
- 44) Get pulled over: arrested for driving without your license.
- Car gets impounded.
- Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: $50.00 parts + $25.00 soda + $75.00 replacement set of jack stands + $1,000.00 Bail + $200.00 Impound and towing fee Total = $1,350.00
Originally published November 14, 2002.
