Signs of Fine Age, Part 1
Published Jan 01, 1900
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
You keep repeating yourself.
You discover bifocals are stylish!
When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
You keep repeating yourself.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You send money to PBS.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your classmates at your reunion think you're one of their former teachers.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
You keep repeating yourself.
Your relatives longingly refer to your things as your "estate".
People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
Your social security number only has three digits.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
You keep repeating yourself.
You discover bifocals are stylish!
When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
You keep repeating yourself.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You send money to PBS.
You sing along with the elevator music.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your classmates at your reunion think you're one of their former teachers.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
You keep repeating yourself.
Your relatives longingly refer to your things as your "estate".
People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
Your social security number only has three digits.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
