- If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
- Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
- Don't cut your hair. Ever.
- Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
- Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
- Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
- Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
- Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
- Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Shopping is not sport.
- Anything you wear is fine. Really.
- You have enough clothes.
- You have too many shoes.
- Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
- Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
- Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
- No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
- Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
- Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
- Check your oil.
- Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
- It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
- Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
- If something we said can be interpreted makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
- Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
- The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
