The Secrets Of Women's Language
1. FINE - This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
3. NOTHING - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
4. GO AHEAD (with Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD (without raised eyebrows) - This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine".
6. LOUD SIGH - Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH - One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay clear.
8. OH - This word followed by any statement is trouble. EG - "Oh, let me get that", which actually means you are obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly complete the task to her particular standard. Or "Oh, I already talked to the cable guy", which means she has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra outlets and black box. Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to him about what you did last night." If this happens, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will say she's "Fine" after she's done tossing your clothes out the window. Do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days since she's caught you in a lie. Even if there's an innocent explanation, do not try to explain or you will just get in deeper and
deeper.
9. THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. It means she needs to think long and hard about the severe retributions you will receive for doing whatever it is you have done or not doing whatever it is you haven't done. If you respond to "That's Okay" you will invariably get "Fine" in conjunction with the Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead". This is one of those things that she will remember forever and will come back to haunt you in every "Five Minute" argument you have with her until death do you part.
10. PLEASE DO - This is an offer. She is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever you have done or not doing whatever it is you have not done. Do not take her up on her offer. Remain silent at all costs. She is currently only sceptical. Say anything and you're sure to get a "That's Okay".
11. THANKS - This is ok. A woman is just plain thanking you. Do not faint, just say, you're welcome.
12. THANKS A LOT - This is different from "Thanks". Much different. It is only used when you have hurt her in that very callous way in which women can only be hurt by men they love. "Thanks A Lot" is almost invariably followed by the "Loud Sigh". Do not ask what is wrong after this. She will say "Nothing".
Originally published November 10, 2003.
