Theft
Most of you have read the scare mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this is not. It's happening everywhere, every day. Please share this warning with your friends. It's happened to me, and you may already be a victim!
My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been truly, if not imperfectly, mine? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spent the entire summer searching for them. I looked, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere that I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned
myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took great pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear end complimented my legs, lump for miserable lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would remain in style.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my t-shirts
What could they do to me next? Age? Age had nothing to do with it! Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked! Repeatedly and without warning. That's why I've decided to share my story. Women of the world Wake Up and Smell the Coffee!! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using! You can look in the mirror and know where they are getting their replacement parts! The next time you hear that someone has gotten a "face lift," look closely---was it lifted from you??? Check out those tummy tucks and buttock lifts. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids over there? I think I have finally found my thighs...and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid good money for them.
Originally published December 25, 2003.
