Understanding Manspeak!

"IT'S A GUY THING" "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." "I CAN'T FIND IT." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" "I HEARD YOU." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
Translated: Absolutely nothing; it's a conditioned response.
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned...but I forgot your birthday."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
Originally published November 14, 2002.