Understanding what your wife really means

--You want = You want

--We need = I want

--It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

--Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

--We need to talk = I need to complain

--Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

--I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.

--I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.

--You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

--This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.

--The car is empty = Go fill it up

--The trash is full = Take it out

--The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong

--I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

--I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

--Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

--I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

--Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

--How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

--I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

--Is my bottom fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

--You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

--Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

\--It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this.

v --Yes = No

--No = No

--Maybe = No

--I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

--Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get use to it.

--Was that the baby ? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

--I'm not yelling ! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

--All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

Originally published November 14, 2002.