You Know Your Getting Old When ...
People are constantly putting a mirror under your nose while you nap; to see if you're breathing.
You finally find something you've been looking for, for ages; but can't remember WHY you wanted it.
You get to work before you discover;you forgot to get dressed.
Tightening your belt becomes uncomfortable; under your armpits.
You can't finish a conversation, because you don't remember what you were talking about.
YOUR spare tire is larger than your car's.
You are abducted by aliens, but immediately returned; in favor of a living specimen.
Your top three favorite pastimes involve sleep.
You are declined as an organ donor; you're told they're not sure if your organs are functional.
Most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."
Bob Dole refers to you as, "old man."
The Smithsonian request your participation in an exhibit; "The Evolution Of Man."
The fire department is requested to attend your birthday party; in case the candles on your cake get out of hand.
George Burns calls to congratulate you on your birthday, saying, "It's just you and me, kid."
Update: "Now it's just you, kid!"
The dictionary adds your picture; under the definition of "octogenarian."
You had to get rid of your dog; he kept trying to drag you to the yard to bury you.
Medicare states that you're too old for their coverage.
You can't be tried by a jury of your peers; because there are none.
Universities inquire about your donating your body to science; they are desperate for specimens of ancient civilizations.
You try to donate to a sperm bank; but they insist they require live specimens.
Everyone is happy to give you a ride; because they don't want you behind the wheel.
Your dentist is fascinated by your wooden dentures.
Your bifocals need bifocals.
You're not allowed on most of the rides at DisneyWorld; because they may be too intense.
A passing funeral procession pauses; to see if you need a lift.
Watching paint dry has a certain fascination.
Children often innocently ask you; "What did people do before electricity?"
And you can't remember.
You can remember seeing double features; for a nickel; sometimes with sound.
Charlton Heston comes to you for advice about his character, Moses; since you were there.
You are often asked to give a personal account; of the story of creation.
You often repeat things...
You often repeat things...
You often repeat things...
You discover the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
