The Arms Race: A Different Twist
At the height of the arms race, the Americans and Russians realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd each have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world, and whichever country's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing country would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars an inch thick; nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened, the Dachshund came out of his cage and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of his cage and charged the dachshund. The Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened!" they said. "We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world!" "Really?" the Americans replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"
Originally published November 14, 2002.
