The Universe According To Dilbert
by Scott Adams *Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you. *You are without romance or mirth... You must be an engineer. *The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the crud behind the refrigerator. *And in the news... Body parts were strewn for miles... Check your sandwich. *I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees. *Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog! Bad dog! *There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft. *All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your problems, all you need to do is find them and kill them. *Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don't. And there will be a special name for them:... webmistresses. *Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer... So, life will feel awful, but at least it will last longer. *It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better to do with their lives. *Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this a convenient time for you? .. No? OK, we'll call back later. *If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll blame it on Microsoft. *What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot. *Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people have big mouths. *It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere animals, but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to "championship wrestling." *One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead. *Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think. *Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying to strangers. *To become one with your computer is to reach a state of... nerdvana. *When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
