Today's Stock Market Report

*Helium was up, feathers were down.
*Paper was stationary.
*Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
*Knives were up sharply.
*Cows steered into a bull market.
*Pencils lost a few points.
*Hiking equipment was trailing.
*Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
*Weights were up in heavy trading.
*Light switches were off.
*Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
*Diapers remain unchanged.
*Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
*The market for raisins dried up.
*Coca Cola fizzled.
*Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
*Sun peaked at midday.
*Balloon prices were inflated.
*And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
*And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

Originally published November 14, 2002.