Top Ten Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and Precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen licorice downspout and the half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,rose petal & saffron demi-glace', with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
AND THE NUMBER 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.
Originally published August 25, 2005.
