Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy When You're at Home
Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc) Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place some spoiled blue cheese under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of ½ cup at a time. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
