Christmas Controversies And Various Solutions For Them
Should the tree be real or fake?
Yuppie Solution: Live tree, planted after use
Male Solution: Fake tree, discarded after use
Female Solution: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
Reality: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs
Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
Yuppie Solution: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
Male Solution: Bulbs flash logo of football team
Female Solution: Elegant flickering candles
Reality: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
Should the tree be topped with an angel or a star?
Yuppie Solution: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
Male Solution: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
Female Solution: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
Reality: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
Do you fling or hang tinsel?
Yuppie Solution: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
Male Solution: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
Female Solution: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
Reality: More icicles on floor than on tree
Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning?
Yuppie Solution: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
Male Solution: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
Female Solution: Anytime the entire family is present
Reality: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
Originally published December 16, 2004.
