Investment Vocabulary
EBIT: Earnings Before Irregularities & Tampering
CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer
NAV: Normal Anderson Valuation
FRS: Fantasy Reporting Standards
P/E: Parole Entitlement
EPS: Eventual Prison Sentence
Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market: A 6-18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no joy.
Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The are of buying low and selling lower.
P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
Broker: What my broker has made me.
"BUY-BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the airplane.
Standard & Poor: My life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Stock Split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
Financial Planner: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Yahoo: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240. per share.
Windows 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240./share.
Institutional Investor: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
