Ways to Confuse Santa Claus
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a police officer and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Paint hoof-prints all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Threaten to sue.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
