Why SANTA CLAUS must be a WOMAN!
Why SANTA CLAUS must be a WOMAN!
Men don't know how to pack a bag.
Most men wouldn't be caught dead wearing red velvet.
Men don't even think about selecting gifts until after lunch on Christmas Eve.
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
If Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and Chia Pets, still in the bag from the mall.
If Santa were a man he would have no reindeer, because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped across the front of the sleigh.
And Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. And if he did find some way to power the sleigh, he'd never get to everyone's house because he would get lost up there in the snow and never stop to ask for directions. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by having to be seen with all those elves.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly." Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up chicks.
And last but not least, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!
Originally published December 08, 2003.
