A Letter Home . . .
Dear Parent(s), Date: ___________
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.
Please send:
__ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________
__ Clean clothes!
Relationships:
__ What?
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend
My Roommate:
__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas
My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves
Latest News:
__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the
credit limit
__ You are going to have a grandchild
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild
Food:
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals
Grades:
__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
I study:
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above
Daily Devotions:
__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars
On my last visit home, I left:
__ My glasses
__ My paper that was due yesterday
__ The clothes you washed for me
__ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
__ Other _____________________________________________
Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One)
Laundry:
__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains
My room:
__ Can pass your "white glove" test
__ Is only _____% full
__ Could not be located last Saturday night
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training
Parties:
__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning
Hope you:
__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
Salutation:
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,
Originally published February 17, 2005.
