Dictionary Terms for Parents
This list is a dictionary of terms for parents: BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too. DEFENSE: what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside. DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins. DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who thnk your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. LOOK OUT: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings. PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own. PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house. WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughtly into "get a sponge."
Originally published November 14, 2002.
