More Daffy Definitions
ADOLESCENCE: The period in which the young suddenly feel a great responsibility about answering the telephone.
ADOLESCENCE: The period when children are certain they will never be as dumb as their parents.
ADOLESCENT: A teenager who acts like a baby when you don't treat him like an adult.
AMERICANS: People with more timesaving devices and less time than any other people in the world.
ANTIDOTE: The medicine that kills dotes.
BABY: An angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.
BABY: A alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.
BACHELOR: A rolling stone gathers no boss.
BACHELOR GIRL: A girl who is still looking for a bachelor.
BANKER: A fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
BANKER: A pawnbroker with a manicure.
BORE: Someone who, upon leaving a room, makes you feel that someone fascinating just walked in.
BUDGET: A method of worrying before you spend as well as afterward.
BUDGET: A schedule for going into debt systematically.
BUDGET: An attempt to live below your yearnings.
BUS FARE: Jack-in-the-box.
CLOVERLEAF: California's state flower.
CLARITY: The ability to give directions without taking your hands out of your pockets.
COACH: A fellow who is always willing to lay down your life for his job.
CRITIC: A legless man who teaches running.
DENTIST: A magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.
DERMATOLOGIST: A person who makes rash judgments.
DIET: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
DISARMAMENT: An agreement between nations to scuttle all weapons that are obsolete.
ECONOMIST: A man who knows more about money than people who have it.
EDITOR: A person employed on a newspaper, whose business is to seperate the wheat from the chaff -- and see that the chaff is printed.
EFFICIENCY EXPERT: The person who is smart enough to tell you how to run your business and too smart to start one of his own.
ELOCUTION: A form of punishment whereby many people are put to death.
ETERNAL TRIANGLE: Diapers.
EXPERIENCE: The name we give our mistakes.
EXPERIENCE: What employers want but don't want to pay for.
FLATTERY: A collection of flats.
FRIENDSHIP: An emotion so sweet, steady, loyal, and enduring that it lasts an entire lifetime -- unless asked to lend money. FURTHERMORE: It is much farther than "further".
HONEYMOON: The vacation a man takes before beginning work under a new boss.
HOSPITAL BED: A parked taxi with the meter running.
HUNCH: What you call an idea that you're afraid is wrong.
IGNORAMUS: Someone who doesn't know something that you learned yesterday.
INCENTIVE: The possibility of getting more money than you earn.
INSOMNIA: What a person has when he lies awake all night for an hour.
INSURANCE: Paying for catastrophes on the installment plan.
ITALICS: The language spoken by Italians.
LAME DUCK: A politician whose goose has been cooked.
LIFE INSURANCE: A contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich.
MARKET ANALYST: A person who tells you what is going to happen within six months and then after that tells why it didn't.
METALLURGIST: Someone who is allergic to iron.
MILLIONAIRE: A man who leaves his air-conditioned home, enters his air-conditioned car to be driven to his air-conditioned office, where he works until he leaves to have lunch in an air-conditioned restaurant, and then at the end of the day rides in his air-conditioned club, where he goes into the steam room for an hour to sweat.
MURDERER: One who is presumed innocent until he his proved insane.
NURSERY: A school for nurses.
OPTIMIST: A man who goes into a restaurant without a dime and figuress on paying for the meal with the pearl he hopes to find in the oyster.
ORATORY: The art of making deep noises from the chest sound like important messages from the brain.
PACIFIST: A guy who fights with everybody but the enemy.
PEDIATRICIANS: Men of little patients.
PANTRY: A collection of pants.
PAST TENSE: When you used to be nervous.
PAWNBROKER: One who lives off the flat of the land.
PLANNING: The art of putting off until tomorrow what you have no intention of doing today.
PSYCHOLOGIST: A man who, when a good-looking girl enter the room, looks at everyone else.
PROFESSOR: One who talks in someone else's sleep.
QUININE: A valuable medicine that comes from barking trees
. RELATIVITY: When you are with a pretty girl for three hours, and it seems like only three minutes, and then you sit on a hot stove a minute and think it's an hour.
RICH MAN: One who isn't afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.
REPARTEE: Something great we think of 24 hours too late.
RESORTS: Places where people go for change and rest. And where the waiters get all the change and the landlord gets the rest.
SARCASM: Barbed ire.
SINKING FUND: A place where they hide the profits from the stockholders.
SPECIALIST: A doctor whose patients are expected to confine their ailments to his office hours.
STATISTICIAN: A liar who can figure.
STOCKBROKER: A man who can take a bankroll and run it into a shoestring.
TACT: Thinking all you say without saying all you think.
TACT: The art of saying nothing when there is nothing to say.
TAXPAYER: One who doesn't have to pass a civil service exam to work for the government.
UPPER CRUST: A lot of crumbs held together by dough.
UNIVERSITY: An institution for the postponement of experience.
VIRUS: A Latin medical term meaning, "Your guess is as good as mine."
WAITER: A man who thinks money grows on trays.
YAWN: A silent shout.
ZOO: A place devised for animals to study the habits of human beings.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
