I REST MY CASE
STATEMENT 1:
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice if you don't tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I used to be your bookie.
> STATEMENT 2:
From a defendant representing himself ...
Defendant: So you say you got a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
STATEMENT 3:
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
STATEMENT 4:
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense lawyers?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
STATEMENT 5:
Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...
Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.
STATEMENT 6:
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
STATEMENT 7:
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
STATEMENT 8:
Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, your Honor, it's like the "Honorable" in front of your name. It doesn't stand for a darned thing.
STATEMENT 9:
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Do you have anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Yes, your Honor. Habitual thirstiness.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
