Answering Machine Messages

"This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test."

"Hello, this is Douglas. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise -open a drawer and shuffle stuff around) "Okay, what would you like me to tell me?"

"Hello. I'm Douglas's answering machine. What are you?"

"Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hamm. Press Record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does . . . ."

"Douglas's house, the final frontier. These are the messages of Douglas's answering machine. Its five-year mission: to seek out your name and your telephone number. To boldly inform you to wait for the tone."

(Noisy pick-up of phone) "Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Douglas's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll . . . uh . . . I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. By the way, do you know where he keeps the silver?"

"The number you've dialed is purely imaginary. Please multiply by one and dial again."

(Sound of loud music in background) "Hello? Just a second while I turn off the stereo." (Sound of person running - music gets quiet - sound of person running back to phone) "Okay, sorry about that. Hi there, who's this . . . Well hi! . . . Uh huh . . . yeah . . . well listen, you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you back."

"Prepare for testing of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ."

voice 1: "Answer the phone, please, Hal."
voice 2: "I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that."