"What doctors say,"
and what they're really thinking: "This should be taken care of right away." "Welllllll, what have we here...?" "Let me check your medical history." "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." "We have some good news and some bad news." "Let's see how it develops." "Let me schedule you for some tests." "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." "That's quite a nasty looking wound." "This may smart a little." "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" "This should fix you up." "Everything seems to be normal." "I'd like to run some more tests." "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" "There is a lot of that going around." "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
I think I'm going to throw up.
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
