How Dumb Can you Be and Still Draw a Breath . . .
# 1 Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in Toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful & there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down & at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants! I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
# 2 Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane & home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
# 3 Idiot
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note & might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America & crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it &, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip & that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" & left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
# 4 Idiot
A guy walked into a corner store with a shotgun & demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused & said, "because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet & gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over & agreed that the man was in fact over 21 & he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police & gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. The robber was arrested two hours later.
# 5 Idiot
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervoulsy waving revolvers. The frist one shouted, "Noboy move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him!
# 6 Idiot
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, & run. So he lifted the cinder block & heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back & hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconsious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
# 7 Idiot
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun & demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. So the man orders onion rings. The clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walks away.
Originally published September 21, 2004.
