Life Lessons - part 2
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds. I finally got my head together and my body fell apart. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician. Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips. Age is important only if you're cheese and wine. The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Do it and die." I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is: Nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
