- Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
- Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're taking a shower.
- When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for your own good," expect the worst.
- The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.
- If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole.
- When a politician says, "let me make something perfectly clear, remember that he usually won't.
- You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.
- If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.
- Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.
- Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
