Professional ATMs
PROFESSIONAL ATMs
Wouldn't it be nice to have separate Automated Teller Machines (ATMs) for lawyers, doctors, and engineers? It'll sure save you time waiting for these bumbling idiots! And have you ever noticed that the older they are, the longer you wait, while itching to bash their heads in with a baseball bat? Perhaps banks can install some of these machines which have instructions like:
ATM FOR LAWYERS:
1. This bank herein reserves the right to alter any Terms and Conditions which is available for perusal at any branch. Any breach in the aforementioned Terms and Conditions will result in the termination of this
transaction, pacta sunt servanda. Any attempts to defraud this bank will result in criminal AND civil actions against the user. (And we've got better lawyers!)
2. This transaction is now in session.
3. Lodge your identification card into the slot marked 'Exhibit A.'
4. Submit your evidence of identification on the keypad marked 'Exhibit B.'
5. Evidence is inadmissible. Please resubmit. (Don't you just hate it when they stand there trying to remember what it is???)
6. Choose your option:
a) transfer clients' money to your account
b) withdraw clients' money, in toto.
c) cut off spouse's supplementary credit card
d) application for supplementary card for mistress
e) withdraw your own money (are you nuts?!?!)
7. This transaction is adjourned until all submissions are convened and a transcript is prepared.
8. Remove your tag from 'Exhibit A.'
9. Collect, inter alia, your allonge and attachments.
10. Case closed.
ATMs FOR DOCTORS:
1. Insert the plasticium cardis into the anterior cavity.
2. Key in your authorization code for access to the controlled research room.
3. Enter your prescription:
a) full account balance scan
b) transfer plasma to your credit card
c) take cash sample for testing
d) transplant vital organ from donor to your account
4. Proceed to remove plasticium cardis.
5. Use metacarpals to remove the reagent record slip.
6. Stand by to receive life-giving cashus maximus.
7. Operation successful. Keep in intensive care.
ATMs FOR ENGINEERS:
1. Load the card into the transverse slot at 46 degrees south.
2. Affix the numerical sequence into the keypad to confirm coordinates.
3. Choose the variated differentiations:
a) Longitudinal transference of cash
b) Contraction variance from your account
c) Separation of spouse's credit card from principal turbine producer
d) Visual mathematical calculation of account balance telemetry.
4. Dislodgement of card is required.
5. Remove the crystallization by-products.
6. Project completed. Turn your structure 94 degrees with differential allowance of 0.4925 and mobilize yourself out of here.
Originally published November 17, 2003.
