Random Thoughts on This 'N That...
Ads in bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them; I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels....I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Just like I do with yours? Thanks."
On Fabric Softner:
My wife uses fabric softner. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me & going, 'sniff-sniff', & "Oh, married." & then walk away....Tha's how wives 'mark' their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. Sniff sniff...
On Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my gosh! He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach; I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my gosh! Give your hand...it won't be long now.....Ahhhhhh!...."
Oh Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out there entering 'wet shawl contests.' Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
On Prisons:
Did you know it costs $40,000 a year to house each prisoner? Geez, for $40,000 a piece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on my windows, for starters. I don't think we should give free room & board to criminals; I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill & generate electricity. And if they don't want to run? Then they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator .... Sssssst!. . . . .
Originally published November 08, 2004.
