One Liners
Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents . . . at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks . . . but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport!
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years . . . then we met.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
Originally published October 26, 2005.
