Silly one liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.