Other Ways to Use the Thanksgiving Turkey
As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with. As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a wonderful band!" for the 25th time. As a hood ornament. As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, "How much you've grown!" As a football for the after-meal game. One word... bowling! As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact. As a gift/bribe for a professor. As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!) As a doorstop to keep your relatives out. Makes a great doggie chew toy. An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie. Bury in the yard for future midnight snacks. If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed. Wear as a helmet, declaring, "I'm TURKEYMAN!" Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking foul! Throw the turkey out the window yelling, "You're FREE! Fly! FLY!" Two words: Turkey puppet. Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year's stock. Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you. As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor.
Originally published November 20, 2008.
