Decoding the Bureau

FROM: Director, C.I.A.

TO: All C.I.A. Employees

In the weeks and months ahead, some of you may find yourselves talking to F.B.I. employees for the first time. To prevent possible errors in communication, here is a guide to common F.B.I. phrases, complete with their English-language translations:

F.B.I.: We have noticed "increased chatter" in recent weeks.
Translation: We've been intercepting conversations that could be useful if someone here knew Arabic.

F.B.I.: We are making technological improvements at headquarters.
Translation: We now have call-waiting.

F.B.I.: We are committed to making real changes in the way we conduct our business.
Translation: Ever since Coleen Rowley started singing to Congress, we've actually had to read the junk we used to leave in our inboxes.

F.B.I.: Here is a list of suspects for you to track.
Translation: This ought to keep you busy while we look for the suspects on the real list, which is safe in our files.

F.B.I.: I am still studying the document you shared with me.
Translation: I've been trying to open your e-mail attchment for two days. Are you guys on PC's or Macs?

F.B.I.: We both have the same goal.
Translation: If we put our heads together, I'll bet we can shift the blame to the Bureau of Labor Statistics and the National Park Service.

F.B.I.: Please get back to me at your earliest convenience.
Translation: There is an excellent chance that you or I will be forced to resign by the end of the day.

F.B.I.: Please share this document on a need-to-know basis only.
Translation: If you leak this one to Time, we'll leak the next one to Newsweek . . . .