House Bill 101 = Rated PG-13
In response to President Bush's federal "No Child Left Behind Act" (NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the next grade level. In the hope that this proposal will be uniformly adopted by all of the states, the new test will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading est, or FART. All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested in Grades 3,4, and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART score of 80%.
If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language, or SMELL. If, with this increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one-semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP.
If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES.
It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction For Public Schools (DIPS) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP.
This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill 101 should help "clear the air" as part of the "No School Left Standing" Act.
Originally published March 18, 2005.
