Liberal News Reporting
News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Marine were captured by an al Quaeda death squad. They were tied up and brought before the leader.
The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and desecrate you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili. There's some in my bag." The leader nodded to an underling, who returned with the chili and untied one hand. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want my tape recorder so I can describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to put the tape recorder in front of her, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the butt," said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt," insisted the Marine. So the leader kicked him in the butt. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees having loosened his bonds, pulled a knife hidden inside his cammies, and flung it at the leader, piercing his heart. In the resulting confusion, he leaped at a captor, grabbed his AK47, and sprayed the guards with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt?"
"What!?" said the Marine, -- "And have you liberal jerks report that I was the aggressor??"
Originally published June 28, 2004.
