To the citizens of the United States of America,In the light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the freeworld, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories including New Jersey.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:
- Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75). Start spelling English words correctly.
- Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save The Queen"
- Start referring to "soccer" as football
- Declare war on Quebec and France
- Arrest Mel Gibson for treason.
- Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby.
- Enjoy steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.
- July 4th is no longer a public holiday; it has been replaced with November 5th.
- All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks of vacation annually and observe statutory tea breaks.
- Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately.
- Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation.
- Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queen's Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.
- Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.
- Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Originally published November 14, 2002.
