The Loan Application
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place? That's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down (which is $440,000) leaves a mortgage of $1,760,000. Now let's have a look at your financial statements. Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of course, and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000. Perhaps a nice brick home? I see here that you'll be out of a job in 4 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library? In Little Rock, Arkansas? Okay! I bet that will be some kind of money maker! Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year (assuming, of course, you're elected) so even with your pension you are still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Have you considered a nice center hall colonial? Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991? But you did some volunteer work? You tried to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. But no one was interested? Yes, I have no doubt they all lacked your superior vision. But you do have other experience? That's good. Oh yes, I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. Let's see. What about this Whitewater Development Corp.? Oh. I see it went bankrupt. Well, then, how about Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. You actually did go to Yale, though? A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. That's unfortunate. I note that three of your business partners went to jail. This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay. Now, any problems in your marriage? No? Oh, good. Let's look at your assets: You owe $4.5 Million. Mr. Clinton, how do you plan to pay that off? Oh! You're hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you're relying on the strangers to bail you out? How nice. You also have some serious expenses at present. A kid at a Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year - probably more with airfares. And she wants to go to medical school? Rack up some major bucks. Any legal problems? Oh, dear. I see a $90,000 fine for perjury, along with disbarrment. I guess that pretty much rules out any income in the future working as an attorney, doesn't it? Are there any other legal matters we should know about Mrs. Clinton? You don't think she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But you're not totally sure? Interesting. That means there's a remote possibility ~ note that I say "remote" ~ that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the fed, and while Mr. Clinton is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock. Hm-m-m-m... By the way, I have to ask: How do we know you're not lying on your loan application? (Of course, if you WERE lying, I guess it would look a lot better. We'll keep that in mind.) Ok, let's review the situation . . . One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to over 22 times your annual income (that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay), and looming criminal indictments. And your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford. Thanks. We'll be in touch. Don't call us; we'll call you.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
