Chuch Dictionary
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
a. Churh information, read only during the opening remarks.
b. Air conditioning.
c. Your receipt for attending.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:
a. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
b. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Churches.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to church for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Originally published March 01, 2004.
