Engineer From Hell

An engineer died one day, and reported as required to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked over the list that the newly-installed computer system had generated of expected arrivals for the day, and crisply informed the poor fellow that he was NOT on the list for admittance, and he could just go to Hell. No amount of arguing or pleading by the poor engineer would sway him... he was NOT on the list for admittance and that was that!

Sadly, the engineer made his way to Hell, trying to figure out the whole time what his mortal sin had been. After being admitted and thrown into one of the many overheated torment pits, he STILL couldn't figure out what he had done, but he was too miserable to think much more on the subject.

After several weeks in Hell, Satan happened by that particular section of Hell on a tour. The poor engineer looked up at Satan as he walked by and said, "You know, you should really get some air conditioning installed... it is darn hot here!" Satan looked at him in surprise and said "And how do you propose we do that?", with evident sarcasm in his voice. The engineer assured him that he could design a system, no problem... and Satan took him up on the offer.

Within a few months, Hell not only had air conditioning, it had flush toilets, automatic doors, and its own telephone system. Rumor of the improvements down below reached God, and he stopped by to see for himself what was going on.

Duly impressed, and somewhat nonplussed with all the improvements, He asked Satan how he had managed all this. Satan told him about the engineer, and how he had designed and supervised all the improvements. God did a bit of spot-checking upon his return to heaven and found out that the engineer SHOULD have been admitted to heaven ... it was just computer error!

So God contacted Satan to tell him that it was all a big mistake, and he should send the engineer upstairs. Satan replied that he and the rest of the infernal staff had grown rather fond of the fellow, and had decided to keep him. God was FURIOUS! "You send him back or I'll sue!", God thundered!

Satan just laughed ... "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Originally published November 14, 2002.