The Top 15 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. It's all relative, of course. [Cain] (Genesis 4:16-17)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. [Jacob] (Genesis 29:15 30)
Find a man with seven daughters and impress him by watering his flock [Moses] (Exodus 2:16-21)
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails and give her new clothes. Then she's yours (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a... woman, now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me" [Samson] (Judges 14:1-3)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. [Benjaminites] (Judges 21:19-25)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. [Boaz] (Ruth 4:5-10)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. It's not just a good idea -it's the law. [Onana and Boaz] (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Cut 200 foreskins off (ouch!) of your future father-in law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. [David] (I Samuel 18:27)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife (be prepared to lose your four sons, though). [David] (2 Samuel 11)
Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. [Solomon] (1 Kings 11:1-3)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. [Xerxes or Ahasuerus] (Esther 2: 3-4)
Find a prostitute and marry her. [Hosea] (Hosea 1:1-3)
A wife? NO WAY! [Paul] (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
THE TOP 7 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A HUSBAND
(You have to figure out the Biblical references for these ones yourself!)
Have your husband act like a jerk toward a famous warlord while you secretly show up at the warlord's camp with mule loads of tasty provisions, at which point the warlord falls in love with you, after which point you inform your husband of the whole matter, at which point he has a stroke, dies and you marry the warlord.
Show up at a threshing floor in the dead of night an uncover the feet of the best-looking guy there. Go to any old watering hole and start filling the watering jars of the guy with the most camels.
v Have your good-looking sister lure someone to marry here but substitute yourself for her on their wedding night.
Hang around barren women and offer to be a concubine for their husbands.
Take a bath naked on your roof preferably in view of some nearby apartment buildings.
Make like a prostitute around guys who hear from God that they need to marry you to show the country the nature of their idolatrous ways.
Originally published November 14, 2002.