Ways To Survive Even The Dullest Of Sermons
- Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests. - See if a yawn really is contagious. - Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest. - Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs. - Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on 'Q' and 'X' though... - Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front. - Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes. - Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed. - Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory. - Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn. - If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles. - Pretend to be 4 years old. - Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone. - By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn you shirt inside out. - Try to raise one eyebrow. - Crack your knuckles. - Think about your chin for an entire minute. - Twiddle your thumbs. - Twiddle your neighbours thumbs. - Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice. - Practice smiling insincerely.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
