TV or Not TV: Christian Commercials We Hope We Never See
We think it’s cool that more and more Christian TV stations are emerging. They can provide a wholesome alternative to the disturbing stuff on the other channels—like those ferocious crocodiles who are always mauling innocent wildebeests on the Discovery Channel. We have only one fear: TV stations need advertisers, and we’re afraid that could mean a barrage of ads featuring schlocky Christian products. Products from the same type of people who created the Twelve Disciples Wristwatch (“It’s a quarter past Bartholomew—time for Granny to take her meds!”) and the Thy Praises Shall Ever Be on My Tongue Toothbrush.
We fear that some night we’ll be sitting down to this:
[Booming Matinee-Idol Voice] “We’ll be right back to the Heavenly Superstation’s presentation of I Forgive You, My Gangsta Brothers, starring Jean-Claude Van Darn, the Christian action hero who always turns the other cheek. But first, these messages from our sponsors....
“Hi, I’m Ben-Hur. You know, those full-contact chariot races can be hard on the old bod. That’s why Ben-Hur uses Ben-Gay. It soothes my aching muscles and makes me feel warm and tingly all over. It truly is the balm of balms.”
“Hello, I’m Noah. I’m here to talk to you about irregularity. As you probably know, irregularity is no fun. It’s worse than being cooped up with an ark full of smelly animals. That’s why if you’re feeling a bit bound up, I urge you to try my new Noah’s Laxative—just look for the box with the big rainbow on it. Then take the tablets two by two, and you’ll receive up to forty days and forty nights of gentle, effective relief. And that’s a promise. Just make sure you’re in the right place when the ‘flood’ hits.”
Those full-contact chariot races can be hard on the old bod. That’s why Ben-Hur uses Ben-Gay.
“Samson here, folks. As you’ve probably heard, a guy like me is always on the go. You never know when you might have to sneak out of a city in the middle of the night. That’s why I use genuine Samsonian luggage. It’s like me—strong, tough, and durable. And because it’s easy to clean, you can even haul a dirty old jawbone or a mess o’ honey in it. So don’t be a Philistine. Ask for Samsonian luggage. Keep an eye out for it at your local store.”
“Greetings, folks. I’m Jacob!”
“And I’m Esau. We’re here to tell you about the fantastic new Jacob & Esau coat from Land of Canaan Fog.”
“That’s right, bro. This coat is reversible—furry on the inside and smooth on the outside. Or maybe it’s the other way around!”
“That it is, Jake. I like wearing the fur on the outside when I’m in the wild, doing something manly, like hunting. Of course, if you’re doing sissy housework, like making soup, I’d go smooth side out.”
“That was really uncalled for, Esau. I’m taking my reversible coat and leaving.”
“This isn’t your coat! It’s my coat!”
“You’re wrong, gorilla boy!”
“Am not, hairless wonder!”
“I’m telling! Daaaaaad!”
[Booming voice again] “... and now we return to I Forgive You, My Gangsta Brothers, starring Jean-Claude Van Darn, with Sidney Poitier as Crazy K-Dog Mack-Daddy Washington.”
Excerpted from Mischief from the Back Pew by Todd & Jedd Hafer. Copyright © 2003. Published by Bethany House Publishers. Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited.
Todd Hafer is an award-winning writer with 19 published books. Jedd is a comedian and speaker who has appeared all over the country. They have coauthored three other books including Stranger in the Chat Room.
Originally published December 07, 2003.
