A Visitor's Guide To Tulsa
1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is TULL-SA and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.
2. Tulsa has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that downtown Tulsa is composed entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of the center of town is to turn around and start over when you reach the river.
3. All directions start with, "Go down Memorial."
4. Memorial has no beginning and no end.
5. The 8:00 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Tulsa.
7. Sapulpa Road can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
8. The falling of one snowflake causes all traffic to immediately cease. Fortunately all schools, businesses and city government close when the word snow is mentioned.
9. Construction on the Broken Arrow Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
10. Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by uttering the phrase, "Oh, we're in Brookside"
11. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
12. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.
13. Buying a Tulsa street map is a waste of money since the termination or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Streets Department of the City.
14. Asking directions will help you get acquainted with the numerous recent residents. It will not be any help at all for finding the address you seek.
15. Tulsa natives are so rare that they are listed on the endangered species list. Even they can't help with directions, however most streets are named after other cities to welcome you.
16. What you need to know when arriving at the Airport: Your arrival gate is at least 32 miles away from the Airport parking. Walking shoes are advised.
17. Never honk your horn at another car in traffic. The bumper sticker that reads,"Keep honking, I'm reloading" is considered a fair warning.
18. Exit and entry ramps on the expressway are just the recommended way of entering and exiting, feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.
19. Between March and October and if you are heading to Tulsa from Oklahoma City via I-44, you will be entered in the new Survivor show. Expect to be passed by f-3 tornadoes, have hail, the size of softballs pound your car, winds that average 50 mph try to blow you off the road, range fires that darken the road just as you peak the hill at 80mph to view parked traffic for 6 miles in all lanes. In Nov - Feb expect 3 inches of ice on the road. Expect to see a hockey game played with cars.
20. Mad Max is the name of our police department.
21. If you do make it to your destination, expect to be interviewed on the local tv shows and expect for Oral Roberts to 'Heal' your car.
Originally published March 26, 2005.
