One Liners by John Branyan
* Drive someone else's car when conditions guarantee an accident.
v * Always travel with a large person that you don't respect too much to ask if they mind getting out and pushing.
v * Tune the radio to a local station that will constantly remind you that only an idiot would be driving with the roads in this condition.
v -- British Customs officers said they found 16 illegal immigrants hiding under the roof of a truck importing frozen potato chips from France.
* The chips were rippled, the immigrants were goose-bumped.
-- A British woman who lost a mobile phone dialed the number and heard it ringing inside her friend's dog. The bloodhound, Charlie, had greedily wolfed down the phone.
* Though it's a little tricky to dial, the woman says the phone still works perfectly.
* Outraged, the woman grabbed and ate one of Charlie's chew toys.
-- The U.S. military has issued new, digital dog-tags to its members. The new digital tags can contain volumes of multi-media information, including medical histories, X-rays and cardiograms.
* But can they help you easily get money out of an ATM machine? NO!
-- In Dighakon village, Bangladesh, a herd of elephants went on a Christmas rampage after drinking a strong tribal brew, flattening houses and sending Bangladeshi villagers fleeing for their lives, newspaper reports said.
* Which is just one more reason why, if you must drink in Bangladesh, please find a designated elephant.
-- A Norwegian village that lures English-speaking tourists with images of Satan and eternal damnation, has been named "Hell" by its 2,500 inhabitants. The town's primary attraction is a shopping mall. * In order to live up to it's name, the mall features no bathrooms, impossible parking and hundreds of check-out lines that are never open!
-- China's biggest metropolis, Chongqing, has pioneered a tax on cigarette sales to help pay for anti-smoking campaigns, state television reported.
* How about a tax on oppressive, dehumanizing government policies to pay for anti-communism ads?
-- A leading ultra-Orthodox rabbi in Israel has ruled that it IS permitted to pick your nose on the Jewish Sabbath.
* Even though it's okay with the Rabbi, your mother will still slap your hand if she catches you doing it.
-- Kuwait recently fined a U.S. wrestler for assaulting a Kuwaiti television show host who asked him in a live interview if professional wrestling was fake. Leon White, better known as Vader, was ordered to pay a fine for the assault in which viewers said he wrenched the presenter's tie and used foul language.
* So to answer the question: Yes...the wrestling is fake but the stupidity is real.
* When a guy grabs a talk show host's tie and cusses in Kuwait, he gets fined. When that same thing happens in the U.S., he gets ratings.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
