Only a True Southerner . . . .
Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them but "PITCH" them.
Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in, "Going to town, be back directly."
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between
a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they are related, even if only by marriage.
True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every true Southerner knows that eating tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee is perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food and that fried green tomatoes are not.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'... ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
Only true Southerners ask for "light bread." That means you don't want cornbread or biscuits.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way!
Originally published December 07, 2003.
