Maintenance Plan
A special circuit in this machine called a critical detector senses the operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use the machine. The critical detector then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence only aggravates the situation. Likewise attempts to use another machine may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool say nice things to the machine. Nothing else works.
WHAT TO DO WHEN THIS MACHINE BREAKS DOWN.
1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong. Give each member of the staff an opportunity to correct the problem. Whenever possible ALL controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place a call for an urgent service. Fridays are best but anytime after 4 p.m. is good.
3. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what went wrong. Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the engineer.
4. Make several references about the man who was here last week to fix the
same problem.
5. Have at least 8 graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the problem.
6. The minute the engineer arrives ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that you expected him two days ago. Before he can answer ask when the machine will be back in service.
7. Assign a member of staff to supervise the repair, someone who has never seen or used the machine is preferable. Bad breath is a plus here.
8. Ask again when the machine will be ready. Good timing is essential and when the machine is in 800 pieces spread all over the floor will be just grand.
9. Be sure the machine is in a narrow place with plenty of people passing by, each making a comment about the time the repair is taking. The lighting should be really low, a good engineer can work in the dark.
10. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the engineer looks at a manual or schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing. It doesn't hurt to mention that you repaired the toaster last week without looking at a schematic diagram.
11. When the repair is completed tell him what a swell job he did. Say it should be a swell job as he took long enough.
12. Try to beat him down on the bill. He makes to much anyway.
13. After the engineer has gone call his supervisor and say the machine is worse than ever now. Follow up complaint with a letter to his head office.
14. Follow these rules on every call no matter how small the problem.
Originally published June 05, 2004.
