Resume Statements That Didn't Work

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

I Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.