THE JOB APPLICATION (What it really means)

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:
I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:
I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:
As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.