True Comments From Actual Employee Performance Reviews At A Large Firm In New England

"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Originally published November 14, 2002.